so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
