Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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