I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize