Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
