I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
