Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
