I can tuck mytits in my pants
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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