Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My ass is underappreciated
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
