Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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