dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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