She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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