We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
