I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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