dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Pants are for mortals
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