Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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