you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
