i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
