Christians are straight up FREAKS
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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