finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You ate ashes out of my bong
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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