I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize