i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
