There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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