New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Operation Purity has been aborted
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
