Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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