oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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