how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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