i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
