Yo dont text me then not text me
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
