Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
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I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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