If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
