I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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