FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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