dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
