I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
