before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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