I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
