I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
