Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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