This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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