I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
