how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
