u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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