I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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