i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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