she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
