I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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