I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
