Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
