he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
