Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
