Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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