what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
